Trust in Me
by Skrain Dukat
Summary: Garak is dying of some disease he seems to know a lot about, but refuses to help Bashir help him. Garak/Bashir
1. Chapter 1

It was the stuff of his nightmares. He had a patient he just couldn't save, but it wasn't for lack of trying. Julian had to remind himself that not everyone wanted to be saved. He tried to be reasonable with himself, tried to tell himself that if it were anyone else, he'd still be haunted by the fact that he didn't want to face, that they were going to die.

But it wasn't just any patient. It couldn't be that easy and Julian knew it. Garak had contracted some sort of disease when he'd last accompanied Julian into the Gamma Quadrant. He refused to tell Julian anything about it, and with things growing tense between the Federation and the Cardassians, it wasn't exactly as though Julian had the option of contacting them for help.

With his limited knowledge of Cardassian physiology, even after having such an intimate relationship with one personally, he didn't have anything to go on. He had no idea how to cure it, and Garak wasn't exactly allowing him to test anything on him.

From the speed with which Garak's health deteriorated, Julian guessed he only had a few more days to figure out a way to convince Garak to let him in or he'd lose him for sure. What was worse was nobody on the station knew about the two of them, save perhaps for Odo, who knew a lot, so Julian couldn't talk to anyone about it.

He pushed his chair back from the console and rubbed his eyes. "Computer," he said, stifling a yawn, "what time is it?"

"The current time is 0145."

Julian groaned, stretching as he got out of his chair. He was late, he'd promised Garak he'd be home almost 30 minutes prior. And he was still no closer to finding a way to help Garak.

He was lost in his thoughts the whole way back to his quarters so it should have come as no surprise to him when he arrived at his door with no knowledge of how he'd gotten there. He hit the door control and it hissed open. Inside, the lights were off, but he could just make out Garak's outline on the couch.

He stepped inside quickly and closed the door so as not to disturb the other man. In the dark, Julian made his way over to the couch and sat down next to Garak's head, being careful not to move him. Garak hadn't been getting much sleep lately, and Julian hated to disturb what little he might be getting.

He carefully eased out of his shoes, leaning back into the couch, thankful, for just a moment, to be at home and alone with his thoughts, though it was comforting to have Garak within an arm's reach, should he need him.

He had to choke back a sob. They'd only been honest with each other about their feelings for one another for maybe two years, actually together for less than 18 months. That was far less time than he wanted.

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, cradling his face in his hands.

"You've got to do better than that, Julian," he mouthed, chastising himself, "unless you want him to die."

"Julian," the other man's voice startled him, causing him to jump, "you're aware I'm awake and can hear you, right?"

Julian sighed, leaning over to kiss Garak's cheek. "Of course you are," he replied, "You and your uncanny ability to read lips in the dark.

Garak reached around behind Julian's head, and pulled him back down, kissing him softly. "You're late."

"I'm sorry," Julian shook his head, "I lost track of time-" Garak's finger pressed against his lips.

"Shh, we both know what you were doing," Garak said quickly, "and as noble as you may think your cause to be, you're fighting a losing war, Julian."

"If you'd just let me he-" again, the tailor's finger smushed against his lips. Beneath his normal, cool exterior, Julian's blood began to boil. He was so frustrated with this man whom he loved so desperately and who claimed to love him back, but he sure didn't think he was showing it too well. "Garak," he seethed.

"Julian, we've had this discussion. I'm simply not going to give my consent to be used as a lab animal."

"You wouldn't be a lab animal, you'd be my patient, same as you are now. I would just be able to try to save you," Julian explained through gritted teeth. _Breathe, Julian,_ he told himself, _don't do something you'll regret, you're tired, calm down._

"There's nothing you could do to save me."

"You can't possibly believe that, Garak! Sure, given the present lack of information, yeah there's a better chance that a second stable wormhole will appear, but if you'd stop withholding information from me and just tell me what you know, you know I'd find a cure, so stop it, Garak." He was on his feet now, and he'd banged his shin on the coffee table, but he'd made his point. He stared at the other man expectantly in the dark, trying his best not to put his weight on the leg he'd just hurt.

"Why can't you just be happy with the days we've got left, Julian?" Garak was trying to play to his sympathies. Julian wouldn't let it work. He let out a frustrated groan.

"Why can't you humor me and let me help you?"

"It seems, my dear, that we're at an impasse."

Julian shook his head and headed for the bedroom. Garak reached out and grabbed his hand, but the young man shrugged him off.

"Julian…"


	2. Chapter 2

Julian normally didn't cry, but that night he cried himself to sleep. _How can Garak be so stubborn? So selfish?_ He thought miserably, _if it were me, I'd want him to do everything in his power to save me._

He didn't know how long he'd been sleeping. When he woke up, he found himself clinging to Garak's pillow. He hugged it tightly, breathing in Garak's scent. It was stained with the salt of his tears. He felt decidedly embarrassed, ruining Garak's pillow in a moment of emotional abandon.

He wanted to know what time it was, but he didn't want to risk alerting Garak that he was awake. He wanted to pretend the night before hadn't happened for as long as he could.

He had almost dozed back off when the lights turned on suddenly, and on their highest setting. It was a jarring experience, and he buried his face in the pillow, groaning.

"Doctor, with all due respect, you're not the one with a terminal illness. I highly doubt it's appropriate for _you_ to be laying about all day," Garak's voice had a layer to iciness to it that Julian wasn't used to.

"It's my day off, Garak, what's the harm in sleeping in?" Julian replied, his words muffled by the pillow.

"Ah, but if you sleep in you waste precious time that could be wasted searching for the cure you're not going to find." Garak's words were almost hostile; Julian had to actually lift his head up and look at the man to be sure it was the same Cardassian.

"You want the truth, Garak?"

"It's what this relationship is built on, isn't it?" _Here we go again. _Julian gave a frustrated sigh and flopped his head back down, closing his eyes. "So dramatic."

"Go away," Julian groaned, "let me sleep."

Of course, Julian knew it couldn't be that simple. Before he could react, the blankets were pulled off of him. He was rather shocked by how cold the ambient temperature was. Usually Garak kept it downright balmy in there. He wondered if that meant his condition had worsened. For a few seconds he almost got up to get his medkit.

Before he could, though, he felt Garak climb into bed behind him. His movements were unsteady, and Julian wanted to get him down to the infirmary, but he was too stubborn to go, he knew.

He let Garak lift his head and snake his arm underneath, snuggling right up close to his back. He couldn't restrain the involuntary squeal that escaped his lips at the temperature of the other man's skin.

"Garak you're like ice," he cried, "Why didn't you turn up the heat?" He bristled when Garak's cold lips brushed the back of his neck, goosebumps rising on his legs and arms.

He tried to roll over, but despite the weakness that had begun to take the other man, he couldn't overpower him. "I've got to get you to the infirmary, Garak."

"Stay here with me," Garak whispered, "Please, just for a little while." Julian thought he detected a note of fear in the Cardassian's voice.

Julian sighed and pulled Garak's arms tighter around him, hugging them tight to his chest. "Why can't you just let me help you?"

"What does it really matter, Julian?"

"I don't know what I'm going to do without you, Elim." He found himself fighting off the tears that had come so easily lately. "You're a pretty big part of my life. And you're just taking that away," he continued, and immediately regretted saying the words. He hadn't intended to tell Garak that. It was best not to get attached, not now with so little time left. It would just hurt more. "Stupid, stupid!" he muttered under his breath, berating himself.

"Is that so?" the Cardassian's voice sounded almost back to it's normal, slightly sarcastic self.

"Yes. Why would I lie about that?" Julian thought for a second before adding, "Don't go there." He could almost see the amused smirk on the man's face.

"You've always been so honest with me, even when you've known that I've been feeding you direct and blatant lies. I've never understood it."

"Maybe you don't need to," Julian whispered softly. He brought one of Garak's hands to his face and rubbed it against his cheek. "Just don't tell me that this has only been some sort of fling to you."


	3. Chapter 3

Julian hadn't been aware that heartbreak could actually cause him physical pain. But seeing Garak in his rapidly deteriorating condition was actually causing him pain. With every breath he took, with every joke Garak tried to crack, with every hour that passed came a pain unlike any he'd ever felt. It took such effort to force his eyes to remain open, to focus on even breathing, that Julian almost contemplated leaving Starfleet, returning home to Earth, and going to sleep for a long, long time.

Thankfully for both Julian and Garak, it seemed far too much work. Instead, he asked Sisko for a few days leave and stayed in his quarters, caring for Garak in a last ditch attempt to save his life.

He must have dozed off, because the door chime startled him far more than he thought it should have. He leaned back and stretched, yawning as he called, "Enter." The door hissed open, and Commander Sisko strode in. Julian's eyes popped open and he was immediately embarrassed for the current state of not only his quarters but himself as well.

His normally clean-shaven face was overgrown with a scruffy beard that itched and reeked of the Kanar he'd shared with Garak last night to numb the loss. Worse, he was in his underclothes and entirely doused in sweat. The sweat he couldn't help, however, as he'd turned the temperature up as high as he could bear it to aid Garak in keeping his body temperature somewhat comfortable; the poor Cardassian was downright icy lately, and from what Garak was telling him now, that was one of the last symptoms to appear before… Julian didn't want to think about it.

"If this is a bad time, I could come back," Commander Sisko said, keeping his voice low. Julian stood up quickly, gesturing to the table by the replicator, the only part of the room that wasn't a complete disaster area.

"No, please, it's all right," he said quickly, pulling on a pair of pants- Garak's, he assumed, from how baggy they seemed- before joining Sisko at the table, "I'm sorry, I look a wreck."

The other man smiled an almost unnoticeable smile, shaking his head as he sat down. "Given the current circumstances I knew I wouldn't find you at your best, Doctor," he said. Julian's heart stopped, a chill creeping up his spine.

"E-Excuse me?" Julian asked. He turned to the replicator and said, "_Raktajino_, extra sweet." Taking the mug of Klingon coffee, he turned back to face the Commander. Sisko was silent for a moment as he searched Julian's face for something. He looked toward the bedroom, and then back at Julian.

"Well, I know Garak's been ill the past week… Aren't you two…?" Sisko wasn't sure if he should ask the question, he didn't want to offend Julian if he'd gotten the wrong idea. The other man flushed a faint pink, hardly noticeable against his already flushed skin.

Julian didn't know what to say. They had been so careful, thought they'd considered everything. They thought they'd had the perfect secret. "Aren't we… What are you getting at, sir? Friends?"

"Well," Benjamin knew he needed to select his words carefully, "is that it? You're friends?" Julian busied himself with his coffee.

"Sir," Julian began.

"Call me Benjamin."

Julian hesitated, "Benjamin, I'm tired. I'm downright exhausted. I haven't properly slept in three days. There is a Cardassian in my bedroom, a dying Cardassian. A dying Cardassian whom I happen to love…" His voice cracked with that last word, "He refuses to let me properly examine him, he won't let me help at all and I don't know what to do! I'm at the end of my rope, Benjamin. So please, can we just move past this?"

Sisko was shocked and saddened by Julian's outburst. He hadn't expected to hear Garak's condition was that bad. Then again, he hadn't known quite what to expect. "I'm sorry," he offered simply.

In the next room, Garak began coughing. Julian sprang from his chair and disappeared through the door. Sisko stood up, about to hit his comm badge and send for a medical team, but he couldn't think of a better medical team than the one that had rushed in there so quickly. He sat back down and waited.

Slowly it seemed Garak's breathing calmed. Bashir sat behind the man, enveloping him in his tiny, bony frame, rocking gently back and forth until the spasm in the man's chest stopped and his breathing returned to the semi-normal rasp it had become since his infection. "Sisko knows. About us," he whispered in Garak's ear. The other man, who had not returned to consciousness even with such a wracking cough, seemed to smile a little.

Julian held him like this for a couple moments longer before carefully standing up and laying the Cardassian back on the bed, wrapping him almost mummy-like in blankets and sheets before kissing the 'spoon' of his forehead and heading back out into the main room. He was a little surprised to find the Commander still there, waiting patiently for him to return.

"How's he doing?" Sisko asked. Julian shook his head.

"I don't know if he even knows who I am anymore," he replied, "his eyes will open but who can tell what he's seeing? And sometimes he grabs onto my arm and chatters about someone he'd tortured, detailing every gruesome detail of the experience. I can't tell if he's bragging or repenting!"

Julian slammed his fist down on the table. "I don't know how much more of this I can take! I can't stand seeing him like this. I've been holding this in for so long I thought that I was the one that was going to die."

"Is there anything I can do to help you, Julian?" Benjamin asked.

"Not really. Unless you can somehow convince the Cardassians to hand over any information they might have about an illness like this. And I don't see that as a possibility."

Sisko shook his head. "Unfortunately we're not on the best of terms with the Cardassians. Garak, however is on worse terms with them. Even if they would help _us_, they would never help him."

"That's what I thought."

"Did you get anywhere at all researching it?"

"It's hard to make heads or tails of what it even is. A virus? Parasite? Poison-" he stopped, his mind racing. He was up in a flash and racing for the bedroom. "Commander, I know what it is, I need to get him to the Infirmary right now!"

Benjamin hit his comm badge, "Sisko to Ops, we need an emergency medical transport from Doctor Bashir's quarters. Three to beam directly to the Infirmary."

"Understood. Energizing," came Kira's reply.


	4. Chapter 4

Julian had a hunch, and given Garak's current condition, that hunch was the best thing they had to go by. He started him on a saline solution to flush his system, ignoring his demands to be granted leave from the Infirmary. It was the most impassioned thing he'd done in more than 14 hours. Both Bashir and Sisko took this to be a good sign.

"How did you come to figure it was poison?" Sisko asked as Julian analyzed a blood sample.

"It hadn't occurred to me until I mentioned it back there. But it makes sense. I wouldn't think there would be too many diseases that would specifically target Cardassians and not all humanoids in the Gamma Quadrant. Plus Garak's been hiding something again. I almost have to wonder if he didn't do this himself."

"But why would he do that?" Sisko looked over at the man on the hospital bed. He'd drifted off to sleep again, his eyelids fluttering and his jaw clenching involuntarily. He briefly wondered what Cardassians dreamt about. What Garak dreamt about.

Julian simply shook his head and shrugged. "I couldn't tell you. He's been more cheerful than usual the past few weeks, right up until he started to show symptoms." He pulled an image up on the viewscreen closest to the Commander, "He's getting better, though. Look at this." Sisko turned his attention to the screen. "The slide on the right is a sample taken four hours ago when we got him here. The slide on the left is the sample I took ten minutes ago. And the slide below those is the sample I keep on record. Healthy Garak, so to speak."

"It almost looks normal again," Sisko said with a bit of disbelief. As far gone as the man had been, he hadn't expected Garak to pull through. "Any idea what it is?"

"I'd have to be able to isolate it, and I haven't been able to do so quite yet. I don't know if I'll be able to completely rid him of it, he was quite saturated with whatever it is. And it's rather stubborn. I've sent all of this to Starfleet, of course. I'm expecting an opinion from them within the hour. Hopefully someone else has had the misfortune of encountering this particular poison and will be able to offer an anti-toxin."

Sisko nodded. "Now, Doctor, I want you to go to your quarters and get some rest."

"But, sir, I-"

"That's an order, Doctor. You look like hell."

"Sir," Bashir looked at him sheepishly, then over at Garak, and then back to Sisko, "I can't sleep without him. Knowing he's down here I won't get any rest. I'll sleep when he's cured."


End file.
